


I’m tired

by Zoya113



Category: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals - Team StarKid
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt and comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-20
Updated: 2019-11-20
Packaged: 2021-02-17 21:47:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21500284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoya113/pseuds/Zoya113
Summary: Paul and Emma’s schedules have been clashing for a week or two, and neither of them have the time to talk about what’s been on their minds.
Relationships: Paul Matthews/ Emma Perkins
Comments: 3
Kudos: 54





	I’m tired

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to post this last night but I got really out of hand busy, sorry !! This is a bit of a mediocre fic for something this long, it’s not what I wanted it to be but I just didn’t have the time to finish it how I liked

“Sorry Emma, I have to cancel our plans tonight,” Paul could barely get through the pleasantries of the phone call before breaking the news to her. 

“Huh?” Emma sounded confused.

God, that hurt. “I have to stay in late again tonight.”

“But you said-“

“I know what I said but things are just busy here and Charlotte is still out sick so I can’t help it.” He wanted to hang up. He couldn’t stand to hear the rejection or hurt in her voice. 

“Paul, babe, I-... we’ve both been so busy and-“ the acceptance settled in half way through her sentence and she trailed off. 

Paul winced. “Yeah, Em. I know. I’m really sorry about it. I’ll be home maybe ten or eleven? Maybe we could go out for dessert or something!”

She let out a heavy sigh on the other end of the phone. “Sorry. I’m working opening shift again tomorrow. I have to go to bed soon. Lock up when you get home, okay?” 

That was one of the worst parts of working full time. Their schedules were clashing like crazy recently. Emma had been working openings and he had been working overtime and neither of them had spoken properly in about two weeks. 

Charlotte had been out with a serious virus for a while, leaving Bill and himself with all the IT work. They were so swamped he barely had time to visit Emma on break most days. 

The selfish part of him wanted to call in sick one day just to spend his evening with Emma. He just wanted a kiss and a hug and a conversation that didn’t end in an argument. 

He needed to sit down with her and share dinner again. He missed her, and even with the brief glimpses he had had of her lately, he could tell something wasn’t quite right. She had been down. 

“I will. I won’t be home late I promise. We’re going to wrap up here soon and-“

“I get it, Paul. You’ve been saying that every night and I’m a little bit sick of it. Just come home whenever. Wake me up, will you? I wanna talk.” 

“No hun, you need some sleep,” as much as he wanted to talk, she was lacking recently. She had a Biology test coming up at the end of the week so she had been staying up late and waking up early. He wasn’t going to take any more sleep away from her. 

“Okay, fine then, don’t! It’s whatever, okay? I’ll see you sometime, I don’t know. Bye, babe.” 

“Okay, goodnight Emma, I love you. I’m sorry I can’t be home lately.” He rolled his office chair in, bringing his phone closer to his ear as Bill came back from his bathroom break. 

“Yeah. I know it’s not on you, man. I just really want to talk with you.”

“Alright um, I’ve got to go. I’ll try and race home. Promise.” 

She hung up.

He dropped his phone back to his desk and let out a sigh, dragging his hands down his face. 

“What’s wrong, Paul?” Bill asked.

“I just wanna head home.” He ran his hands through his hair, shaking it up like it would rejuvenate him. He couldn’t believe how many overtime hours he had clocked up just because some idiot in finance had accidentally managed to delete his operating system. 

“Oh tell me about it! It’s my week with Alice and I’ve been stuck here every single night!” His keyboard began to clack louder as he typed faster. 

“I know. I haven’t seen Emma in ages. By the time I get home she’s already asleep and when I wake up she’s already gone.” 

“Wow. That must be rough, Paul.” 

“Yeah. Same goes for you.” Neither of them sounded very sympathetic really. They had both been in bad moods. 

“Alice has bought tickets to a show tomorrow night,” he began, his voice dropping slightly. “So hopefully Charlotte is better by then. I can’t work overtime tomorrow.”

“Yeah.” Paul glanced over at Bill but he didn’t look back at him. “What if Charlotte isn’t?” 

“Oh man, Paul. This is so important to Alice, I couldn’t miss out on it. We just have to hope Charlotte is feeling alright.” He shuffled about the papers on his desk to seem busier. 

Paul bit down on his lip. No way was he doing overtime by himself. They had work that needed to be done and they needed each other’s help.  
He swore. If this virus wasn’t killing Charlotte, he would. 

They didn’t end up going home until around half past ten.  
Paul opened the front door, trying to get his eyes to adjust to the dark. 

The TV was still on, and its blue light was flashing on the walls around the corner. 

He slipped off his shoes at the door so he could walk quietly down the hallway. 

Emma was asleep on the couch, still sitting upright. Her laptop was hugged to her chest and her mouth was hung open. 

He flicked off the TV, plunging the house into darkness. “Okay, off to bed,” he whispered. 

He slipped her laptop from her hands, placing it down on the coffee table before tucking a hand under her arms and another under her knees to lift her up. 

Her head lolled to his chest as he walked and he could see the troubled expression on her face. 

Maybe he should wake her up, he thought as he laid her down in bed. But the circles under her eyes had never been worse.

———————————————————

He woke up to the sound of Emma’s alarm, blaring it’s announcement. Emma hadn’t turned it off, she wasn’t even awake yet.

He rolled onto his side, pulling the blanket up over his ears to block out the buzzing.  
“Em,” he prodded her back. 

She grunted, curling up in a ball. 

“Babe,” he sat up, rubbing his eyes. “Time for work.” He leant over her to turn her alarm off. 

“Paul, what’re you doing? It’s too early,” she grimaced, shielding her eyes from her alarm clock light. 

“That’s your alarm, Em.” He sunk back into the mattress, waiting for her to get up before he fell back asleep. 

“Shit.” She pulled the blankets over her head. 

Paul put an arm over her, resting his head in the crook of her neck. “You have to get up or you’ll be late.” 

“Well maybe people can wait for their fucking coffee.” 

It was those small, out of character outbursts that reminded Paul something wasn’t right. “Yeah but then Nora will write you up.” 

“Then she can wake up at five to serve those bastards their shitty drinks. I don’t care.” 

“Yes you do. You’re just tired, but you gotta get up.” He didn’t think she was accepting any convincing. “Are you okay?” 

Emma let out a deep breath and her chest fell like a deflated balloon. She laid still, her eyes remaining shut. “I’m okay.”  
She groaned as she kicked the sheets off. 

Paul pulled the blankets back around him, listening to Emma storm about the dark room to get her uniform on.  
“I miss you, Em,” he told her drowsily. 

“Are you working overtime again night?” 

“Um, depends on whether or not Charlotte is back. She has a virus or something.”

Usually Emma would take any chance to flex her biology knowledge but she didn’t speak. “Will you come down and see me on your break?” He couldn’t see her in the dark but she was somewhere near the closet. 

He took a second before answering, breathing in and out to calm himself, but he could feel the tension coming from Emma — it was almost tangible.  
“If Charlotte isn’t here today I might not take a break. Bill has to go out tonight so he can’t stay overtime. I think it’ll all be on me today so maybe I shouldn’t take a break.” 

The air was taken from his lungs as he felt Emma throw herself back down on the bed right beside him, her arms over his chest. “But that’s so unfair on you! You should just come home tonight!” She pleaded. “I really need to see you.”

“I’m sorry, I can’t. That’s not how it works.” He tried to find her hand in the darkness but she withdrew, hopping off the bed. “I’m not working this weekend, do you wanna do something then?” 

“That’s okay. I’m seeing Hidgens to go over our test and Mel and I have been planning to get brunch for ages.” Her feet padded over to the ensuite bathroom.  
She shut the door so she could switch on the light and when she came out he could finally see how tired she was looking. 

“Your bow,” he mumbled through his sleep as she threw on a jacket. “I guess it doesn’t matter. There won’t be anyone there to tell you off for your uniform.”  
It looked like she had gotten bored after tying the knot. 

“It looks like your tie,” she told him, rocking back and forth on her heels like she was impatient for his attention. 

“Yeah, does a bit,” he gave her a smile to her sate her. 

“What time do you think you’ll get home?” She asked, pattering back over to the bed and fixing her bow.

“I can’t tell you, I don’t really know. Late, probably. Are you working morning shift again tomorrow?”

Emma grunted. “Yeah.” 

“Our schedules are shit, aren’t they, my loveliest?”

“I really wanna see you,” she repeated. She was standing in the doorway now. 

“Yeah. Things just aren’t working out. Your work schedule will be redone soon won’t it?” 

“Not for another week.” Emma scoffed. 

He was trying to settle down when he was startled by a loud bang. He bolted back up, Emma’s name on his lips. 

“Oh!” She let out a surprised gasp. 

The bathroom light silhouetted her form in the doorway, her fist was struck up against the door and her shoulder were heaving. 

“Wow!” She pulled her fist back, brushing her knuckles against her jacket. “I didn’t mean to do that!” 

“Are you okay?” He got out of bed to hurry over but when he tried to hold her hand to look at it she pulled it back. 

“Yeah I just uh! I didn’t know where that came from, the door is fine though, promise. Anyways, I gotta run.” 

———————————————————

“That’s weird,” Bill was hovering in the doorway with his bag. He was ready to leave for his show but not without a bit of guilt. 

“Yeah! She just lashed out, punched the door. She’s been angry lately, but not at me, so I don’t know what little quick fix I can do to help her out while I’m working overtime.” Paul pushed aside the papers on his table to he could rest his elbows. 

“Maybe you should invite her over here now? I mean, the office is all yours.” He tapped the doorway to signal his leave before walking out. 

“Oh!” He was right, but he would only be distracted, and then neither of them would get home until midnight. But maybe he could talk to her for just a second.  
He pulled his phone from his pocket, anxious to call her. 

“Is something wrong, Paul?” She didn’t sound too enthusiastic. “Are you gonna be home tonight?” 

“Uh, so, no, b-but just let me explain!”  
There was a beep at the other end and Paul looked at his phone, struck with surprise - she had hung up. 

He couldn’t actually think. She was that upset at him. His heart was crashing against his rib cage and blood rushed to his ears. 

And then she called back. 

“Holy shit,” he let out a gasp of relief. His heart rate dropped down so fast he felt cold. “Emma, are you mad at me?” He couldn’t risk leaving it at ‘just a talk.’

“Oh! Sorry Paul!” She chuckled. “I don’t know what I just did! I must’ve just, god I don’t even know! What were you saying?” 

“I’m getting worried about you, Em, are you okay?” 

“Yeah, just a total mind blank! What were you saying?” She sounded strangely cheerful now, but in a absent minded way. 

Paul expected her laugh to make him feel better, but she was still acting funny. “Y’okay?” 

“Yeah, I’m just in bed.”

“It’s like, 6:30. You’re in bed a bit early. What are you doing?” He wedged his phone between his shoulder and his ear so he could continue working. 

“Uh, I dunno! I was just tired. I’m just sorta laying here. Do you have time to talk?” She asked.

He put his phone back on the table, turning the speaker on. “I think? Maybe. What do you want to talk about? I’m listening.” 

“Oh, great! I’ve been really needing to just talk with you for a while. It’s been so long, right? Hah, I don’t know what I should say, I just wanted to hear your voice, what’re you working on?” 

“Oh uh...” he was so lost in it he didn’t even know. By the time his brain had actually processed the sound of her words, there had been an awkward amount of silence. “Data encoding,” he said just as she started to speak. “Sorry, did you say something?” 

“Ah, it’s not important. Never mind. Are you busy? You sound distracted. Maybe I’ll just wait for you to come home,” she sounded dejected but she wasn’t trying to show it. 

“Uh,” he rubbed his eyes. “I am. I’m really mad that Bill could just walk out on me tonight. I have such a crazy amount of work to get done and-“ he cut himself off as something rose in his throat. “Oh wow, I’m gonna be here all night. I can’t do this. Why is everyone gone!?”

“Hey! Hey Paul! Baby, you’re spiralling! Breathe in hun!” Her voice was frantic as she called to him. 

“Em, ugh! I have way too much work to do, I can’t do it all on my own! This is ridiculous!” 

“Calm down, you don’t have to freak out! You’ll get it all done! If I knew any sort of computer junk I’d come down and help you out. I don’t suppose you need an extra hand turning things on and off again? Maybe I could come down and-“

“Nah, Em. It’s okay. It’s just really hectic down here. I just have a few more codes to run and then I have to change the printer ink because god knows the people here can’t do it themselves for some reason!”

“Hey! I know how to change printer ink, can I come down? The office is all yours right now isn’t it?” She was hopeful, he could almost hear her kicking the blanket off her legs to get out of bed. 

“I’d love that Em, but if I get distracted I’ll only be here later. I’m a total mess right now. I should just concentrate. Can I call you back later?” He yawned, leaning back in his chair.

“Okay, Paul. That’s fine. You sound really stressed, you must be. Take care, okay? Wake me up when you get home?” 

He hated the crestfallen voice she was using, but he didn’t have time to worry if he wanted to get home at a reasonable hour. “Okay. I love you Em. I’m sorry this isn’t working out. Things’ll be back to normal soon.” 

“I know they will. You just keep up the hard work and I’ll be here when you get home, hey, what’ve you been doing for dinner lately?” She queried, trying to keep him on the phone for just that moment longer. 

“I’ve just been going through the drive through on the way home honestly. Then I just check the fridge,” he chuckled. “You?”

“Well I’m not the most versed in cuisine,” she put on an awful, posh accent to deliver her sentence before sighing. “But I’m doing fine. I’m getting food in my stomach and that’s all that matters, right?” 

“What food? Healthy food?” He questioned, pushing his office chair away from his desk to separate his thoughts from his work. 

She snorted. “You have no say over what I eat if you aren’t gonna be home. You aren’t getting those answers.”

“Are you looking after yourself without me to keep you in check?” 

She gave an uninterested mumble in reply, her words muffled by a sound on the other end. “I better let you go, I suppose.”

“Yeah. All this work,” he gave a pathetic laugh to try and assure her he wasn’t doing too badly. “Bye, Em. I love you.” 

He hung up. And then he was alone again. 

———————————————————

He had managed to get Hidgens on the phone as he drove home.  
Apparently he hadn’t heard much from Emma outside of classes. Complete radio silence. Not even her usual ‘how are you?’ texts he got every day or two. 

“Nothing’s wrong. She’s just been a bit funny lately. Maybe she’s stressed about the test?” 

“Well I’m seeing her on the weekend for lunch. I’ll have a talk with her then. Just keep an eye on her if you’re worried.” 

At least tonight she had fallen asleep in bed. Her laptop was still open on her stomach, her fingers still on the keys. 

“Emma?” He whispered, kneeling down on her side of the bed. 

“Ah!” She jolted awake, a hand flying out to smack her laptop shut. “Oh! Paul! Babe! Welcome home!” She allowed her laptop to fall off her chest as she rolled onto her side to lazily wrap her arms around him. “What time is it?” 

“Nearly midnight. What’s up?” 

“I must’ve fallen asleep,” she rubbed her eyes, lifting her laptop over to her bedside table. “That’s stupid of me. I was going to try and wait for you to come home.” Her eyes followed him around the room as he undressed from his suit and into his pyjamas. “Did work go okay?”

“Yeah. I got everything done in the end. How’re you?” 

She cuddled up close to him as he slid under the covers. “I’m fine. Can you do some more talking?” She requested, her words already slurring as she drifted back to sleep. 

“Maybe you should just go back to sleep, babe. Good night, I love you.”

“I love you,” she replied, bumping her head into his chest in an unorthodox way to ask him to repeat himself. 

“I love you Em,” he rested an arm over her back, fiddling with her hair. “I love you so much and that’s why you have to sleep. It’s the worst betrayal when I’m the one who has to wake you up at 5 and I can’t hurt you like that again,” his laugh was more of a quiet rumble. “You slept right through your alarm this morning and then you were mad at me for getting you up! What was that about?” 

She grumbled sleepily. “I’ve been staying up so late. I just can’t seem to get to sleep if I don’t just stay up until I drop.” 

“Unhealthy,” he tutted. “And you ask me to wake you when I get home. Go to sleep, Emma.” 

She grinned, burrowing up close to him. “I’m on it.” 

———————————————————

“Hey Em, work’s busy. Charlotte’s back but we just have to finish up some last things.” He was happy. Things could go back to normal. 

“Oh, that’s good! Will you come down and see me on your break?” 

“That’s what I called about, work hasn’t cleared up yet but I’m so tired after last night. Could you bring up some coffee on your break please babe?” His eye’s could barely stay open. 

“No. You know what? Fuck you. Maybe I’m busy too!” 

That got his heart going for sure. He flinched, his rackety office chair squeaked and jerked. “Huh?”

“Woah, I’m- that was weird, Paul! Sorry, that wasn’t me. Ignore that!” She has spoken so loudly he had to move the phone away from his ear. 

“How do I respond to that?” 

“That keeps happening to me! And its totally not voluntary, I just keep having these little freak outs, Paul. I’m sorry, you’re always on the receiving end of them. I don’t know why they’re happening!” She laughed. “Of course I’ll bring you up a coffee!” 

“Um, that’s okay, I think. Hey, I’m not working overtime tonight. Do you wanna do something fun?” 

“Yeah!” Emma exclaimed. “I’m really happy to hear that! We have to! I’ll see you in a bit, okay?” 

He was still shocked after the call was over. His fingers were frozen, they wouldn’t move unless he forced them to.

“Oh, Paul?” Charlotte called him. “Are you okay? You look a bit rattled.”

He nodded. “Um, yeah, I’m okay. I think.” 

———————————————————

“Here you are, babe!” Emma pressed his cup into his hand. “I made it just how you like it, I know how stressed you’ve been lately.” 

“Oh, thanks Em!” He gave a hesitant smile. Was he scared of her? 

“And are you okay now?” She asked, leaning closer in but didn’t step towards him though, she put a hand on his thigh to stabilise herself.

“I’m okay now, I’m fine,” he leaned back, trying to keep his eyes on her as she continued pressing forward. “I’m fine,” he repeated, putting a hand on her chest to push her back. “Thanks for the uh, coffee,” he picked it up, making a cheers motion. 

“You sound nervous, what’re you worried about?” She asked, giving him pleading eyes to ask for a kiss.

“I’m not nervous,” he sighed, giving her a quick kiss. “Did you say you were busy back on the phone? Maybe you should go.” 

At first, her laugh was bubbly, but it quickly turned mocking and bitter. “I’ll leave if you want that so badly!” She snapped. 

Charlotte and Bill whipped around in their chairs, their faces pale with surprise. 

She held a hand to her heart. “Oh, I’m doing it again. Y’know what, maybe I should leave. That’s not on you though, personal decision.” She held her hands out to silence the room. “I’m just gonna go. Holy shit.” She exhaled loudly, holding her hands to her temples to shield her eyes as she hurried out, mumbling to herself. 

“Wow,” Ted scoffed. He was standing in the doorway, swirling the coffee in his cup. “Was that a tantrum or what?” 

“She’s just working through something right now, don’t be rough on her,” Paul stood up, glaring at him. 

“Going through what?” 

“We haven’t spoken about it,” he hadn’t even admitted that to himself yet. 

Bill was usually one to mind his own business but he cleared his throat. “You should talk to her. She’s been like that since we started working overtime. Didn’t you say she punched a wall the other day?” 

“Oh, I hope I haven’t caused her any trouble,” Charlotte gasped. “You’ve been working so late since I’ve been sick! She’s probably feeling a bit lonely, Paul. You haven’t spoken to her?” Her eyes were round and sad. She placed a hand to her heart and winced. “Paul, fighting is the worst. You should talk to her.” 

“We aren’t fighting! We aren’t fighting, are we?” He glanced over for Bill’s approval and the man looked back down to his work. “Charlotte?” She looked away too. 

Only Ted had the guts to put him out of his misery. “That was not the behaviour of a stable woman, Paul. Your little lady is going off the rails.” He whistled, cutting himself off with a swig of his coffee. He drew out the time he took to swallow, watching the tense Paul. “When was the last time you two talked?” 

“She’s really independent! She hates romance stuff! She wouldn’t- she wouldn’t freak out because I’ve been busy, would she?” His friends ignored his desperate looks again. “Well I heard she hasn’t said anything to Hidgens either! So, it can’t be all on me right?” 

Ted’s eyes rolled in an arch, looking thoughtfully up at the ceiling. “This room doesn’t get much light in here, does it?” He shrugged before striding out. 

“Ah shit,” Paul sunk back into his seat. 

“You just have to talk to her, Paul,” Charlotte had drifted to his desk, her hands landing gently on his shoulder. “It’s that easy, you can do it, Paul.”

“Yeah. I can,” he breathed, trying to hype himself up. “I just have to wait until I get home.” But he didn’t know if he could. 

———————————————————

“This is nice, isn’t it?” Emma’s eyes weren’t on the TV. They were fixed hopefully on Paul like he had the answer to all her problems. She had set her laptop down the second he had walked in the door. 

“Yeah, it’s nice,” he nodded up and down more times than he should have. 

She wrapped her hands around him, kissing his neck. “It is. How are you Paul? Are you still stressed? Overtime is done but you’re still anxious. Well, I mean when aren’t you? I haven’t done anything wrong, have I?” 

Paul took in a deep breath and turned the TV off. He shuffled around on the couch to look her in the eyes. And he wasn’t sharing the same innocent smile. “What’s wrong? With you, I mean, lately. I was worried for you, but now honestly I’m a bit frightened.” He rubbed his neck, the once strong eye contact he had going failing him. He looked down to the couch, examining the pillows closely. 

“Frightened?” She frowned. “I’m fine, I’m not dying or anything. Why are you scared?” 

“I don’t know what those little outbursts you keep having are. You yell at me, you yell at yourself, you punched the door that one time, what’s going on?” He grabbed both of her hands so she wouldn’t squirm. 

“I’m doing okay, man.” She shook her head, tossing it like a horse in the stable. She yanked her hands back, tucking them under her thighs. “It’s just strange without you at home but I’m better now!” 

“I don’t know if you are,” he raised an eyebrow, growing awkward himself.

Emma didn’t like to talk about her feelings usually. Thoughts were fine, bad days were fine. But she came to a roadblock talking about the way she felt.  
So Paul was inconvenienced too. He lacked the proper experience to comfort her.  
Her nose was pinched and her eyes slitted. It was the look Paul recognised as Emma’s uncomfortable face. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She gulped. She closed her eyes and inhaled loudly, visibly bringing herself back down to earth with a short chuckle. “Can I just?” She pointed a thumb over her shoulder. “Give me just a minute. I’ve got to go to the bathroom.” 

“Uh, okay...” he watched her scramble off, her feet sliding on the door as she turned the corner.

He expected to hear the ensuite door shutting, but he only heard her close the bedroom door. 

He tried to stay his breathing. This really was going to be an emotional thing, and maybe she did need a second to think about it. 

He grabbed her laptop off the table. She had been attached to it at the hip lately.  
He’d come home every day to find it cuddled to her chest.

For Biology work probably. She had that big test coming up. But then again. She hadn’t contacted Hidgens at all, and if she was stressed that would be her first try. 

He moved the trackpad and turned up the brightness. “God.” 

It was a real flashback to school.  
The hundred tabs open on the task bad too small to read. 

Lots of google searches. 

‘How to talk about the way you feel’

‘I don’t like to talk about my feelings’

‘Talking about my feelings is hard’

He clicked shut the tabs, disgruntled. There were so many tabs open, so many searches and all so bad.

‘Memory blanks’

‘Can anger problems be genetic?’

‘Is it dangerous to suppress your emotions for too long?’

“Paul!” The laptop was slapped shut by Emma. He hadn’t even noticed her come in. “What’re you doing!?” She tore it from his grasp, tucking it back to her chest, her jaw hanging. 

“I was just-“ 

“Looking through my stuff!?” She growled. “What is that!?”

“Emma, I’m sorry, I just thought maybe something was wrong.” 

“Nothing’s wrong!” She smiled through gritted teeth, her eyes shut tight. “Why do you have to snoop? Can’t you trust what I’m saying!” 

He was guilty, but only for a second. The images of what he saw flashed through his head and he straightened his posture and glared. “Why didn’t you tell me about any of this?” He asked.

“Tell you?” She fell silent. Her eyes grew round and wide and her shoulders fell. She looked like as small as a mouse. 

“I don’t know what’s been up with you lately and if you want to keep it to yourself so bad, that’s fine! But you start crossing the line when you yell at me, you know Em?” He pointed at her, arresting her with his gaze.

Her feet were turned away from him, preparing to bolt. 

“I know you don’t like to talk about how you feel.” He rose from the couch but didn’t hold onto her. He wasn’t going to play nice cop today. “But you’re going through something and that’s putting me through it too and I don’t like it. Let’s cut the bullshit Em, we’re going to talk right now. And it’ll be messy but we’re gonna do it together okay? Sit down.” He grabbed one shoulder and pointed at the couch. 

“No!” She shrugged his hand off. “I don’t want to. I don’t need to!”

“I said sit down, Em! I saw your laptop, you’re worried too! So just stop acting brave and get your ass on that fucking couch.”  
His voice wavered at the last moment. The yelling was way too much for him, and if he didn’t want to cry he would have to stay frozen for a moment longer until he could settle his heart. “Do you not trust me!?”

Stunned by the volume of his voice, she obeyed. Letting herself fall back down onto the cushions and staring at him with distress evident in her features. 

“So what’s wrong?” He turned around stiffly to face her. “Just tell me and I’ll help you. But you have to tell me first!”

The way she looked at him hurt now, but it would be for the best once she got it over with.  
“Well here,” She croaked, her throat dry. “It’s nothing. I’ve been waking up early and sleeping late and so I’m tired. I think I’m getting three hours of sleep a day, and so my head’s a bit over the place,” she began calmly, her palms pressed together and her breathing slow. “And you aren’t ever home, and I don’t see you. So I get lonely and tired and it isn’t a great combination. So sometimes I’m emotional.” She shrugged, tapping her fingers together. “When you get home and there’s no one to complain about bad customers and annoying classmates those things start to actually grate on you.”

He was proud of her for how calmly she was speaking, that was what made him feel guilt for real. His yelling was a bit too extreme.

“So I’m fine now. I just wanted to spend a bit of time with you and I got it. So I’m good now. Can we drop the subject?” Her hand floated to his knee and she looked deep into his eyes. 

“Oh,” he mumbled. “That’s all?” 

She nodded too deeply. “I’m fine now. I’m fine to be with you. Can we not fight?” 

“Get some sleep, Em.” He patted his knee and Emma laid her head down, but she wasn’t smiling. “Are you sure that’s all?”

An anxious laugh bubbled out of her. “Haha. Yeah. I don’t have much else to say.” Her hands gripped at her shirt around her heart and she took in a deep breath. “That wasn’t so hard.” 

“Yeah. Thank you Emma, for telling me how you feel. I’m glad you can trust me, and I’m relieved that you got that out in the air. I’m proud of you. I’m sorry for yelling.” 

“No, it’s okay! It was for the better. I’ll feel fine soon now won’t I?” 

He raised an eyebrow. “Do you still feel bad?” 

She scanned the room, confused and hesitant as she nodded a yes. “Why do I still feel shitty?” 

He was positive about her easing into the talking moment. She was still cautious and couldn’t look him in the eye but she was getting there. 

“Is there something you aren’t telling me maybe?” 

She prodded her chest and opened her mouth, the laugh that came out slipping right into her words. “It feels like all my emotions are right here,” she patted her heart, talking quickly. “And there are so many that when I open my mouth they just spill out before I can hold them back. And I can’t control what I say or what I do. At all. And I don’t know why I’m like this. Maybe I’m just sleepy. Yeah. I’m so, so sleepy and there’s so much coffee in me but I have so much to do.” Her speech was growing shakey and stammered. “But I still gotta do it all and I have this test and my job and there’s no time to sleep, and I just want to be with you, Paul.” Her fingers wrapped around his, her tiny form shaking as she caught her breath after her ramble. 

“Oh, babe, Emma. You need sleep. You need it bad.” 

“And I’ve had to put time aside to be cooking dinner and doing the dishes and showering and cleaning and laundry but I can’t do all of that if I have to study and Nora keeps putting me on shifts and I can’t do it all! I’m not eating dinner so that I don’t have to do the dishes and I’ve been letting the house get so messy!”

He didn’t want to interrupt her. She was doing so well. He knew she hated how vulnerable problem-sharing made her. But he was glad she could open herself up to him.

“And having so much going on in my head is funny! I can’t concentrate, and I can’t behave. It’s not fair on you is it? You’ve been working overtime and you’re probably too stressed to have to deal with my stuff on top of your own. It wasn’t right for me to yell at you like that.”

“Well it wasn’t right for me to not set aside time for you. I should’ve when I noticed something was wrong but I just kept working.” He rubbed her shoulder. 

“But you were busy, it’s okay.”

“I was, but that shouldn’t have stopped me. The other night I was in the office all alone. Bill even told me I should invite you over. But I just wanted to get my work done,” he murmured, hushing his voice now that Emma was tired. “I should’ve made time for you like you were trying to make time for me.”

“So it’s on both of us, huh?” 

He bent down to kiss her forehead. “Well let’s ignore it all then, my love. I’m making dinner tonight. And I’ll do the dishes and the laundry. And that means you get to sleep.” 

“Thank you, Paul.” And there was that sunshine smile he hadn’t seen in so long. He couldn’t help but kiss her again. 

“You stay here. I’ll get up and cook. What do you want, Emma?”

“I want you to hold me Paul. I’m tired.” 

He blinked. “You want me to stay?”

“I’m not hungry. I just want to sit like this for a little bit longer.” She rolled over to burrow her head into his stomach.

He ran his hands through her hair. “Okay, Emma. If that’s what you want.” 

If that’s what she needed right now, that was fine. And he would stay with her for as long as she desired.


End file.
